Expect the unexpected

I started this draft on 12 July.  I didn't want to finish it.  I didn't know HOW to finish it.  I was shocked.  I was scared.  I was angry.  Now that I've had time to process it, I am feeling pretty good about it.

Yesterday my husband received an e-mail that rocked our world.  It was about his orders to COS. It was 0515.  I was sleepy but I knew that it was something REALLY big if he was calling about it.  When he got through to someone, they told him that they couldn't see any changes in the system and that they couldn't tell him what the change was.  WHAT? That's when they said "We can only see that your orders are for Lackland." He instantly knew what the change was.  We'd be going to SATX instead of COS.

We were in shock. How can orders change like this on such short notice? We're due to PCS in 6 weeks! Our pack-out is in mid-August.  Why did this happen? The only answer he could find was that the position he was slotted for at Peterson was over-manned.

This would change a lot of things.  We would not be close to Mikey.  Would Cassi still choose to stay with us?

Now that we've had time to process the change and come to the realization that the orders may not change, we're embracing the adventure!

I've definitely learned to expect the unexpected!

Tuesday's 10.

I haven't done a Tuesday's 10 for awhile; I think that it's time for another one.

Truths. Admissions of guilt.

1. I haven't learned to edit before posting my thoughts and feelings.  And, I don't mean editing my grammar or words; I mean that I haven't yet learned to think before speaking.  I have a tendency to say what I mean but it comes out completely wrong.

2. It's less than 60 days until we PCS and I have NOTHING prepared. I know that the household goods (HHG) are taken care of by the movers, but, I haven't prepped for the movers.

3. I am pretty angry at a friend.  A friend that I love dearly and would lay down my life for.  A friend that I nearly lost today.  A friend who is pretty angry at me, too. Hurt, hurt and more hurt.  And look where we are.  Thousands of miles and an ocean apart.  It's been a challenge to our friendship.

4. I hope that we can find forgiveness.  This friend and I.  I hope that we can see that what we have is stronger than the hurt we're feeling.  And, it's not just about me or her.  It's about us.

5. I miss my baby girl, A, like crazy.  My heart aches when she's gone.  I know that this is time that she desperately needs.  It's time that she relishes and so does her dad.  And that makes me very happy.

6. I'm not ready for Lo to potty-train.   I am, but, I'm not.  It means that she's growing up.  And, it's like I'm losing my baby.  But, I'm gaining a big girl.

7. Sometimes the truth is easier to speak when hidden behind a computer screen.

8. I'm tired of being a grown-up.  I'd like to switch roles with my kidlets for just one day.  That thought makes me appreciate my Mom even more than I already do.  She made this SAHM stuff look really easy.  And she had FIVE of us to deal with.

9. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my Dad in some capacity.  I'd like to think that my grieving period is over but I wonder if it's really just beginning.

10. You can't stop LOVE.  I hope that my friend remembers that.  I do.  And I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused her, but, not once have I stopped loving her.

Mixed emotions.

Disclaimer: This is a vent, of sorts.  I'm not being grammatically correct; there will be stream of consciousness sentences.  Read at your own discretion!

I've been battling with guilt for years.  I know that it's at least been since I was able to identify what guilt feels like.

I've often said that I suffer from middle-child syndrome.  It's classic middle-child syndrome.  I grew up in a family where the dynamic never changed, as in, there were no divorces or step-siblings involved.  I was the youngest child for four years but I identify with the middle-child emotions more than the youngest-child emotions.  I do have the blessing (and curse) of being the youngest girl.  Sometimes it works in my favor; sometimes it does not.

Why am I talking about this? It explains a lot about what I've been feeling lately.  I've been feeling it more in the last four years.  It's hard to pinpoint what the trigger was exactly. At some point in there, I became (unbeknownst to me) a bad person.  Or, in the minds of others, a bad person.  A bad friend.  Selfish.  Only thinking of myself.  Um, what? Okay. Life goes on whether I want it to or not.  So, are you saying that I should stay where I was four years ago? That I should have stayed in a state that held so many bad memories for me? That I should have remained stagnant? Enduring failed relationship after failed relationship? Digging myself deeper into a hole of depression that I  hid with a strong facade and a smile? I don't think so.  I needed to do something for myself.

I moved on.  I took a leap of faith and did something that NOBODY thought that I could do, except for two people.  One of those people is still talking to me; the other person says I've changed to the point of selfishness and that I don't make decisions for myself anymore.  I don't? I didn't decide to marry the man that I love? I didn't decide to carry the baby to term and expand our family? These decisions were for ME and only ME? I beg to differ.  I have been a faithful friend. I have been a loyal friend.  I have given of myself and NOT asked for anything in return.  And you have the audacity to tell me that I've changed?  YOU'VE changed.  You're bitter.  You're angry! You say things that are hurtful yet expect me not say anything hurtful to you EVER.

A lot of what I feel is a direct result of where I am in birth order.  It's true that MC often try to avoid conflict and they are the peacemakers of the family.  Sometimes to the point of the care for others more than they do for themselves and they will do what it takes to make someone happy.  Even if that means they miss out on a great opportunity.

I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  And yet, I will love my friends and do anything for them even when we "aren't in good graces." I will care what happens to you.  I will say prayers for you.  I will send good thoughts for you.

So, I may not e-mail you, call you or text you everyday.  Does this mean I don't think about you? No.

It is what it is.  I'll be butt-hurt, but, I'll get over it and move on.

Just know that if you're "privileged" enough to be in my circle of friends, there is very little that you can do beyond ULTIMATE BETRAYAL to fall out of my circle.  We may not always agree but I will always love you.

The day after.

Yesterday was good; yesterday was bad.  We had F3; I was an emotional basketcase.  See? Some parts of it were good and some parts of it were bad.

I have the ability to turn a smooth morning into a rough morning in about 3.5 seconds.  How many women (or men) will ever admit that? I will.  It gets me in "hot water" every time I do it; I can't seem to stop.  It's like an innate trait or something.

I had so many plans in my head for what I wanted to happen yesterday.  The problem with the plans being in my head is that they rarely make it out into a "speech" bubble.  And, I expect my husband to just know exactly what I want to do and when I want to do it.  Conundrum.  Fighting and disagreeing ensues.  It's never pretty.

Make up.  Realize I'm an irrational being and take an impromptu drive up the Pali and around Kailua.  Discover Kailua Beach Park and Lanikai.  Add those beaches to our bucket list.  Drive through Waimanalo.  Stop at Makapu`u lookout.  Continue the scenic route.

We arrived home and walked down to the O Club for food, fun and fireworks.  Ended the evening some mediocre food, amazing red/white/blue kettle corn, a good show by David Cook and fantastic fireworks.

It was a good day.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Yesterday I came to the realization that in sixty days, I would be arriving in COS. Scared? Excited? I think that I'm feeling a little bit of both emotions.  I hadn't put much thought into the timing.  It was a date that loomed in the distant future.  It was a date that seemed so unattainable.  Yet, it's within reach now.  I can't wrap my head around it.  

I'm preparing to say good-bye to my life here.  It will be hard to say good bye to the friends that I've made.  The friends who have stood by me through the good times and the bad.  To the friends that have been there when the rest of the world seemed to forget about me.  It's a community.  A community with something in common.  A community where we sometimes feel like the red-headed stepchildren of the world.

I will miss being here for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and any other reason we find to celebrate.  I don't want to replace that... I don't want to find another group of friends that will take the place of what I have here. 

The last four years have taught me a lot.  It has taught me a lot about myself and the life that I knew.  It's taught me to step out of the comfort zone and embrace something new and challenging.  And, it's with that knowledge and those skills that I know I can make this move.  It's the strength in friendships that won't die just because I'm moving thousands of miles away.

I'm ready to embrace the change.  Bring it on!

North Shore Adventures.

Yesterday we had an "adventure" day.  Adventure days start with the question, "right or left." Once the direction is planned, the rest is fairly spontaneous.

We started the day with breakfast at Subway; I love their egg sammies! We dropped off our donation goodies at the Airmen's Attic and picked up a few pieces of "winter clothing" for our upcoming move to Colorado Springs.  After the Airmen's Attic run, we put gas in the car and started our adventure.

We took a drive up H2, passing Schofield Barracks and taking the scenic route.  We followed Kam Hwy all the way out to Ka'Ena Point.  We had never been there.  It has an awesome view; it's definitely not a swimming beach. I took some pictures of the kidlets; I took some pictures of the ocean.  It was great fun.

We hit the Farmer's Co-op in Waialua. Fresh local fruit? Yes, please! We picked a bunch of apple banans, limes, garlic and ginger root.  All for less than $8. 

After the Farmer's Co-op, we hit Matsumoto's in Hale'iwa for shave ice.  Yummy!

We followed along the North Shore drive. Waimea, Shark's Cove, Turtle Bay and Kahuku.  We had lunch at Kahuku Grill.  They have amazingly yummy, awesome, fantastical burgers.  Big.  Tasty.  Full of delightful goodness.  And don't get me started on the fries!

We finished the drive by taking H3.  It was a wonderful day and we were all tired after.

It's coming along.

This week we sold Travis' car.  That is one more thing off of the to-do list.  The movers have done a run-through of the house.  The animals have been updated with the vet.  It's all coming together.  OMG.  It's really real now.