Mixed emotions.

Disclaimer: This is a vent, of sorts.  I'm not being grammatically correct; there will be stream of consciousness sentences.  Read at your own discretion!

I've been battling with guilt for years.  I know that it's at least been since I was able to identify what guilt feels like.

I've often said that I suffer from middle-child syndrome.  It's classic middle-child syndrome.  I grew up in a family where the dynamic never changed, as in, there were no divorces or step-siblings involved.  I was the youngest child for four years but I identify with the middle-child emotions more than the youngest-child emotions.  I do have the blessing (and curse) of being the youngest girl.  Sometimes it works in my favor; sometimes it does not.

Why am I talking about this? It explains a lot about what I've been feeling lately.  I've been feeling it more in the last four years.  It's hard to pinpoint what the trigger was exactly. At some point in there, I became (unbeknownst to me) a bad person.  Or, in the minds of others, a bad person.  A bad friend.  Selfish.  Only thinking of myself.  Um, what? Okay. Life goes on whether I want it to or not.  So, are you saying that I should stay where I was four years ago? That I should have stayed in a state that held so many bad memories for me? That I should have remained stagnant? Enduring failed relationship after failed relationship? Digging myself deeper into a hole of depression that I  hid with a strong facade and a smile? I don't think so.  I needed to do something for myself.

I moved on.  I took a leap of faith and did something that NOBODY thought that I could do, except for two people.  One of those people is still talking to me; the other person says I've changed to the point of selfishness and that I don't make decisions for myself anymore.  I don't? I didn't decide to marry the man that I love? I didn't decide to carry the baby to term and expand our family? These decisions were for ME and only ME? I beg to differ.  I have been a faithful friend. I have been a loyal friend.  I have given of myself and NOT asked for anything in return.  And you have the audacity to tell me that I've changed?  YOU'VE changed.  You're bitter.  You're angry! You say things that are hurtful yet expect me not say anything hurtful to you EVER.

A lot of what I feel is a direct result of where I am in birth order.  It's true that MC often try to avoid conflict and they are the peacemakers of the family.  Sometimes to the point of the care for others more than they do for themselves and they will do what it takes to make someone happy.  Even if that means they miss out on a great opportunity.

I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  And yet, I will love my friends and do anything for them even when we "aren't in good graces." I will care what happens to you.  I will say prayers for you.  I will send good thoughts for you.

So, I may not e-mail you, call you or text you everyday.  Does this mean I don't think about you? No.

It is what it is.  I'll be butt-hurt, but, I'll get over it and move on.

Just know that if you're "privileged" enough to be in my circle of friends, there is very little that you can do beyond ULTIMATE BETRAYAL to fall out of my circle.  We may not always agree but I will always love you.